My adopted mother I blame for my anxiety and inability to
accept love, I blame her for distorting my love map and normalizing abuse in my
life. I blame her for teaching me that
necessities are privileges and causing me to have an eating disorder. I blame her that my fear of rejection at
times overcomes my fear of physical pain.
I also blame her for my spirit of a protector, my warrior spirit that
stands up for injustices. I blame her for my empathy and ability to see people
as they are and underneath all the bullshit.
I blame her for my ability to love with absolutely no expectation of a
return. I blame her for my husband, because
of her I knew how to love someone equally to myself and without dependency. So yes, I blame her for my life, but I blame
her intelligently.
Take a moment and decide who you blame and why you blame them, but be sure you remember the good along with the bad and ugly. If that person messed you us, they also built you into who you are now too. Maybe someone cheated on you, but they taught you how to love with a passion, be loyal to a fault and know when to remove yourself from toxic situations.
I was born in 1996, many people disregard my story based on
that alone, I am in my 20’s and who has life figured out in their 20’s? NOT ME!
But I do have MY LIFE figured out. I
know who I am and why I am here. I know
who loves me and cheers in the bleachers and who boos when I take a stand. I know who I blame and why I blame them. I know that everyone plays a role. It is so easy to pick apart the past, but a
wise man once said, “the past is gone, the future isn’t promised, the now is a
gift that’s why it is called the present.” And I am 100% sure that he is right.
I was born to a woman who abused methamphetamines her entire
adult life, and I lived with her for 6 months before I was removed from her
care. She fought for me very minimally
and she has said recently this “God told me to have babies, but HE never told
me to raise them.” She is right and
without her, I would never have had the life I did have, the testimony, the
basis of knowledge and ability to meet people where they are that I have
now.
I was officially adopted when I was 2 years old, and yeah
that’s young, but I had already learned I had to survive on my own. Genetically we are strong, determined and
stubborn, but how is an adoptive parent to know that? All she knew was that having a baby wasn’t
what she remembered, and I was a hard toddler, as she adopted my siblings I
felt as though she loved them more, and I fought for attention. I often had to protect my siblings from her
abuse, I acted out because she needed to see me as worse, otherwise the abuse
would transfer. I was the beating
post. I was the trouble child. I was
abused so severely. But I learned a very important lesson, my children will
never fear me, my children will never feel less than worthy of my love, and my
children are mine whether they grew inside me or someone else. My children are my world, they know it, the
world knows it and we all know it.
When I was 7 my mom told everyone I had tried to kill my
sister and had me put into “respite care” but I guess she thought that my
ability to adapt would be strong enough that I would not be seen as bad
anymore. She pulled me home, and then
the abuse got worse. Attachment therapy
and more. I remember the first time I
planned my death I was 8, and the last time I planned my death with the
intention of dying I was 17, in that span I attempted 9 times. I was a minor and every time that anyone
reported the abuse, my parents told the responders I was mentally ill, and they
left. I only ever spoke to 1 CPS case
worker in all the times they showed up.
When I was 14 I was sexually assaulted, by a person who
taught me how to fight. My world was
shattered by a court case, forced conversations, and so much pain and emotional
wounds that were never permitted to heal, so I pushed it down. This led to me leaving home at 18 years old
and living on the streets, finally detoxing from all the medications I had been
force fed, alone. I was scared but I
learned about love, lust, fear, truth, addiction, pain and trust through the
people who surrounded me.
When I was 19 I chose to accept the help of an aunty, moved
in with her, got a job and messed up my life a little by being a teenager and
by being the kid I was never allowed to be before. I got a phone and have paid my own phone bill
and rent from that day on. I learned
about responsibility, trust in myself, resourcefulness, and truth during this
time. I also began to see WHO I was
underneath all my Bullshit, and I began to strive to be that person. I struggled and failed, but I also rose and
succeeded in becoming.
When I was 20 I rented a room from a woman whose son was
addicted to heroine because being gay was too hard of a cross to carry in his
family.
I don’t know that he ever found
himself, or let himself be who he is, but I pray he does. I met my husband when I was 20 and married
him in August of 2017. I am really
effing proud of that day! I am really
proud of becoming a mother figure to his children, I am even more proud of my
body, for carrying my son inside it and creating his life. I am proud of the day he turned 1, because it
was the day I said to myself, I CAN do this mom thing and I love it.
So, why am I qualified?
Because I’ve lived a full enough life in 23 years to tell
you that improving your life is a simple decision to believe in yourself, and
if you must blame someone, anyone for your life: Blame them Intelligently. If you must blame them for the pain, then you
must blame them for the outcome!
Becoming who you are is because of your pain.
Because of your pain, you have purpose. It isn’t what we WANT to hear, it isn’t what
we want to believe but it is the truth, and it is shaping you into your
purpose. Its painful. It's scary.
It is more than worth it.
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| Review by Grandparents and Author Gabriel Richards |
I will be launching Web Classes and a podcast in February 2020! So Stay tuned and don't forget to blame with intelligence!
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